Humor is one of God's ways that is given to us so we can enjoy life and laugh. This page will be updated often so return to it for a daily dose of fun and laughter. We don't intend to offend anyone. If we do, forgive us.

 KIDS WERE ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE OLD AND NEW TESTAMENTS. THE FOLLOWING STATEMENTS ABOUT THE BIBLE WERE WRITTEN BY CHILDREN. THEY HAVE NOT BEEN RETOUCHED OR CORRECTED. INCORRECT SPELLING HAS BEEN LEFT IN.

1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.

2. ADAM AND EVE WERE
CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE . NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.

3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT.

4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.

5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.

6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.

7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS .

8. THE EGYPTIANS WERE
ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS

9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.

10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.

11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE   OF GERITOL.

12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED
HIM.

13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.

14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.

15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.

16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER.

17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.

18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.

19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE
TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.

20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.

21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.

22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.

23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.

24. ST.. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.

25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY.

Give me a sense of humor, Lord, Give me the grace to see a joke, To get some humor out of life, And pass it on to other folk.

The next time you feel like GOD can't use you, just remember...
Noah was a drunk
Abraham was too old
Isaac was a daydreamer
Jacob was a liar
Leah was ugly
Joseph was abused
Moses had a stuttering problem
Gideon was afraid
Samson had long hair and was a womanizer
Rahab was a prostitute
Jeremiah and Timothy were too young
David had an affair and was a murderer
Elijah was suicidal
Isaiah preached naked
Jonah ran from God
Naomi was a widow
Job went bankrupt
Peter denied Christ
The Disciples fell asleep while praying
Martha worried about everything
Mary Magdalene was...
The Samaritan woman was divorced, more than once
Zaccheus was too small
Paul was too religious
Timothy had an ulcer..AND
Lazarus was dead!

Now! No more excuses!
God can use you to your full potential.
Besides you aren't the message, you are just the
messenger.

No Excuse Sunday for Members

Dedicated to Missing Church Members! To make it possible for everyone to attend church next Sunday, we are going to have a special "No Excuse Sunday."

Cots will be placed in the foyer for those who say, "Sunday is my only day to sleep in."
There will be a special section with lounge chairs for those who feel that our pews are too hard.

Eye drops will be available for those with tired eyes from watching TV late Saturday night.

We will have steel helmets for those who say, "The roof would cave in if I ever came to church."

Blankets will be furnished for those who think the church is too cold, and fans for those who say it is too hot.

Scorecards will be available for those who wish to list all the hypocrites present. A prominent space will be alloted at the top of the card for the cardholder to write his own name down first on that list.

Relatives and friends will be in attendance for those who can't go to church and cook dinner, too.

We will distribute "Stamp Out Stewardship" buttons for those that feel the church is always asking for money.

One section will be devoted to trees and grass for those who like to seek God in nature.

Doctors and nurses will be in attendance for those who plan to be sick on Sunday.

The sanctuary will be decorated with both Christmas poinsettias and Easter lilies for those who never have seen the church without them.

We will provide hearing aids for those who can't hear the preacher and cotton for those who can!

Hope to see you there! --------Author Unknown.

Giggles

Over the massive front doors of a church, these words were inscribed: "The Gate of Heaven". Below that was a small cardboard sign which read: "Please use other entrance."

Rev. Warren J. Keating, Pastor of the First Presbyterian Church of Yuma, AZ, says that the best prayer he ever heard was: "Lord, please  make me the kind of person my dog thinks I am."

A Woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. "What Denomination?" Asked the clerk. "Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?" said the woman. "Well give me 50 Baptist and 50 Catholic ones."

On a very cold, snowy Sunday in February, only the pastor and one farmer arrived at the village church. The pastor said, "Well, I guess we won't have a service today." The farmer replied: "Pastor, even if only one cow shows up at feeding time, I feed it."

I was at the beach with my children when my four-year-old son ran up to me, grabbed my hand, and led me to the shore, where a sea gull lay dead in the sand. "Mommy, what happened to him?" the little boy asked. "He died and went to Heaven," I replied. My son thought a moment and then said, "And God threw him back down?"

Bill Keane, creator of the Family Circus cartoon strip tells of a time when he was penciling one of his cartoons and his son Jeffy said, "Daddy, how do you know what to draw?" I said, "God tells me." Jeffy said, "Then why do you keep erasing parts of it?"

After the church service, a little boy told the pastor: "When I grow up, I'm going to give you some money." "Well, thank you," the pastor replied, "but why?" "Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had."

My wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to our six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" I wouldn't know what to say," she replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," my wife said. Our daughter bowed her head and said: "Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan, in which a man was beaten, robbed and left for dead. She described the situation in vivid detail so her students would catch the drama.
Then she asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?"
A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence with......"I think I'd throw up!"

The Sunday School teacher was just finishing a lesson on honesty.

"Do you know where little boys go if they don't put their money in the collection plate?", the teacher asked.

"Yes ma'am," a boy blurted out. "They go to the movies."

A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments.
 They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked
 if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood
 tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor's
 wife."

My son James is four.  Whenever he hurts himself we lay hands on the injury and pray for healing. The other day he cut his left finger, took hold of it and prayed: "Jesus come out of my heart, go down my arm and fix my finger. Please Jesus, Amen."
     Another time he said grace before our meal. "Dear God, bless our food and don't let my sisters head fall off".  His sister was 6 months old at the time; I couldn't help wondering what James had planned to do with his sister.

A Sunday School teacher asked her class, what was Jesus mother's name?
A Child answered, Mary. The teacher then asked, and what was her husband's name?
Another child answered, "The Verge." Confused, the teacher asked, "where did you get that?
The child replied: :You know, they are always talking about "the Verge 'n Mary."

 A little boy was asking after attending Sunday School what he had learned.
The little boy said,  I learned that God's name is "Harold".  Harold.....asked his mom
Who told you God's name was Harold.  It says it right in the Bible.........Our father who art in heaven, Harold be thy name.

A little 3Yr. old boy was crying very loud and his parents rushed into the room. He had swallowed a penny and was convinced he was going to die. Nothing they could say would convince him otherwise.
Finally the Father palmed a penny rubbed his son's stomach and pretended to pull the penny out of his sons ear. The little boy started smiling when he saw the penny. Though he quickly snatched it out of his Father's hand swallowed it and said: "do it again Dad."

A mother asked her son what the lesson was about in Sunday School that morning. "Cherry Coke," he answered confidently.  "Cherry Coke?" his mother asked. "Are you sure?"   "Oh, yes," he replied. "We even sang a song about it. 'Joshua fought the battle of Chery Coke, Cherry Coke."

A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question. "Boys and girls, what do we know about God?" A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy. "Really?! How do you know?" the teacher asked. "You know - 'Our Father, who does art in Heaven?'"

Our daughter Lauren was 5. On the Saturday before Easter we were just finishing lunch when she jumped up excitedly and asked, "When are we going to KILL the eggs?" It took us awhile, but we finally decided she wanted to DIE the eggs.

Actual children's versions of Christmas Carols:

"...sleep in heavenly peas"; 

"Joy to the world, the Savior rains"; 

"This is he whom Sears of old...";

"Angels we have heard on high, sweetly singing o'er the plane";  

"While shepherds washed their socks by night"

Church Smiles 

There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news.  The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new lawnmower.  The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."

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There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country.

"Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk.

"Only the Ten Commandments," answered the lady.

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"Somebody has well said there are only two kinds of people in the world.

There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord", And there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."

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A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter.  Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times.  If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment.  Forgive us our trespasses."

When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note "I've circled this block for 10 years.  If I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job.  Lead us not into temptation."

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While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage.

The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign...

"Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass.

Caution: Do not step in exhaust."

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A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question, "Boys and girls, what do we know about God?

A hand shot up in the air.  "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy.

"Really?  How do you know?" the teacher asked.

"You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven...  "

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A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend.  The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him in front of the service station.  Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump.

"Reverend," said the young man, "sorry about the delay.  It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip."

The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean.  It's the same in my business."

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People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the center of attention.

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A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!"

His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?"

The son replied, "I do know!"

"Okay, said his father.  "So, son, what does the Bible mean?"

"That's easy, Daddy.  It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.'"

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Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about.

The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt."

Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed.

Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about.

He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming."

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The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building.

Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute.  The substitute wanted to know what to play.  "Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently.  "But you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."

During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more.  Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."

At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star Spangled Banner."

And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!

THE GOOD SAMARITAN A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan, in which a man was beaten, robbed and left for dead. She described the situation in vivid detail so her students would catch the drama. The, she asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?" A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd throw up."

STORY OF ELIJAH The Sunday school teacher was carefully explaining the story of Elijah the Prophet and the false prophets of Baal. She explained how Elijah built the altar, put wood upon it, cut the steer in pieces, and laid it upon the altar. And then, Elijah commanded the people of God to fill four barrels of water and pour it over the altar. He had them do this four times. "Now", said the teacher, "Can anyone in the class tell me why the Lord would have Elijah pour water over the steer on the altar?' A little girl in the back of the room started waving her hand, "I know, I know," she said, "to make gravy!"

LOT"S WIFE The Sunday school teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Johnny interrupted, "My Mummy looked back once, while she was DRIVING," he announced triumphantly, "and turned into a telephone pole!"

DID NOAH FISH? A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?" "No," replied Johnny, "How could he, with just two worms."

HIGHER POWER A Sunday school teacher said to her children, "We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a higher power. Can anybody tell me what it is?" One child blurted out, "Aces!"